September 17, 2024
Defining Bullying and Its Emotional Impact
Bullying is the repetitive and intentional use of words or actions to harm individuals or groups and put their respective well-being at risk. In an article on the BBC, academic researchers define bullying as aggression occurring between individuals or groups with unequal power levels (Kelly Oakes, September 2019). Regardless of how “bullying” is defined, bullies and those they target come in all shapes and sizes, and bullying is influenced by complex social and environmental factors that are not always discernible.
Having a lasting emotional impact on children, bullying negatively shapes children's perceptions of situations and themselves. I never wanted my children to feel dismissed or diminished by others, but bullying can happen to anyone, especially those children who are sensitive or march to their own beat. Children who present any differences from the status quo are particularly at risk (https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01984/full). The recovery and outcomes of children facing stress, social trauma, and bullying are shaped by their support systems, self-awareness, and problem-solving abilities.
You Can Run, But You Can No Longer Hide
On the bus or playground, bullying might have been a common experience for previous generations of children. Upon arriving home after being bullied, however, these children could escape their tormentors, opting either to decompress alone in their bedroom or enjoy supervised playtime with their neighborhood friends.
With growing access to technology, many children face continuous harassment and verbal abuse, even from the safety of their homes, leaving them feeling vulnerable and exposed. Furthermore, when working parents are unavailable during after-school hours, it can limit a child’s ability to seek comfort from bullying. Therefore, after-school caregivers must actively address these issues thoughtfully, helping inform parents’ decisions and support their children effectively.
Personal Accounts: Across Developmental Levels
Bullying can manifest at various developmental stages, each presenting unique challenges for children and their families. From name-calling in early childhood to cyberbullying in adolescence, the emotional and psychological impact can be profound. Younger children may struggle to understand why they're being targeted, often internalizing the abuse. At the same time, older students may face more sophisticated forms of bullying, such as social exclusion or digital harassment, that further complicate their ability to cope. As these personal experiences show, the consequences of bullying can ripple through all aspects of a child’s life, from their self-esteem to their academic performance, underscoring the need for vigilant support systems across all developmental levels.
When a child experiences harassment or feels intimidated at a young age, parents may wish to gather more information about the cause of their child’s distress. In a public school, I remember working with a first-grade student who shared that he was called the “B word” by a classmate while riding the school bus. The “B word” was brat, and his discomfort escalated with the routine name-calling. Another child told me that she was not allowed to say the word ‘ugly,’ but one of her classmates used the word routinely to describe her dress, ridiculing her appearance and outfits without resolve.
As a kindergarten student, my son came home from his first bus ride and informed me a neighborhood boy had told my son he was going to “punch him in the glasses.” My son, standing his ground against the bigger, bulkier student, replied, “If you talk to people like that, you’re not going to have any friends.” This immediately took the tormentor aback, and the threat was never repeated.
My daughter’s high school email was hacked by older boys who sent alarming messages from my daughter’s account not only to other students but also to my son. The motive behind hacking my daughter’s high school email was never unequivocally established, but there were suspicions that these boys from my son’s class were attempting to cause trouble for him. Upon discovering this mean-spirited activity, my devastated daughter changed her email. I informed the school and filed a claim with the police department.
A middle school client with whom I worked, we’ll call him Michael (not his real name), was seriously bullied by a group of students throughout his late elementary and middle school years. Attending a small public school district can have its advantages and disadvantages. The positives were the personal attention, small class sizes, excellent opportunities for participation, and familiarity with local families. The disadvantages unfolded when Michael became the target of a charismatic classmate who encouraged other students to tease, harass, and embarrass Michael.
When I consulted with the junior high counselor to explain that all the students at a certain lunch table picked up their lunch trays and walked to another location when Michael was about to sit down, she was confused. I recall her saying that Michael was an unlikely student to be bullied: he was attractive, smart, athletic, and articulate. She did not dismiss my concerns, but she didn’t take meaningful action to assist the sixth-grade student.
My efforts were stepped up because those individuals in the environment where the bullying was occurring did not address the situations with urgency or proper protocol. On one occasion, Michael and the aggressor were put in the same room to “work things out.” This action not only violated basic counseling procedures but also made things worse, as the bully denied the accusations and ridiculed Michael on their way back to the classrooms.
Upstanders vs. Bystanders: Encouraging Active Support
While working in elementary school classrooms, I provided Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) lessons. The students and I discussed the difference between being “upstanders” and “bystanders.” Upstanders do their best to support and protect their peers. A bystander may witness something unpleasant happening and do nothing but stand around watching. In the classrooms, we practiced how children could be upstanders: reporting something to a supervising adult, stepping in to help an injured classmate, or gathering others to assist if he or she was too timid to step in.
The “See Something, Say Something” slogan used to protect the public from potential terrorist attacks is an important concept to use in cases of bullying, too. It means that if you witness or experience physical or verbal assault of any kind, you have the power to make a difference.
Help your child be an upstander. They can join forces with their friends, siblings, or neighbors to create a protective barrier around the tormented person, sending a powerful message to the harasser. Make a plan and be as specific as possible: who will be available to help, what will they say, and where will they meet. Brainstorm solutions to different scenarios in which intimidation or aggression may occur.
Validating Feelings: The Importance of Listening
Validating young children’s feelings should be our priority. It is hurtful when someone is called a name or someone makes an unkind statement, and recognition of this makes one feel heard and seen. As my son articulated in his retort back on the school bus, unkind statements or actions are not a way to win friends or gain popularity. If someone is calling you a name or making hurtful comments, it is okay to let them know. As an adult, I’ve even carried out this action, declaring, “There is no excuse for speaking harshly or behaving unkindly.” While adopting a calm voice, a child can practice articulating, “I don’t like the way you are treating me” or “this is not the way to talk to someone.” It may sound like a simplistic strategy, but brainstorming comfortable phrases or ways to respond ahead of situations can be very helpful. Parents, caregivers, older siblings, or friends may provide suggestions that ease the tension and have been effective for them, too. It is also acceptable to state that you will NOT be talked to unkindly and walk away without further explanation.
Foremost, invested adults should formally address incidents of bullying and provide children of all ages with the support to seek relief and safety. Both children and adults should understand what options they possess to gain security and prevent future distress. Those who choose to bully others should be accountable for their actions and may need to learn when teasing or sarcasm crosses the line. Not all bullies intend to create a hostile pattern and may perceive that their comments are merely jokes. These bullies may need to learn that others have thoughts and feelings that do not mirror their own.
Encourage Difficult Discussions
Children do not always feel comfortable sharing their experiences with their parents, even when the relationships are stable and trusting. Years later, a young adult I know revealed to her parent that she had experienced sexual harassment on the school bus during her elementary and middle school years. She did not share the events with her parents because she “didn’t want to make a big deal about it.” It was a big deal. Rebecca (not her real name) shared that she tried to ignore the crude and suggestive comments, seat bumping, and physical advances, although was not consistently successful. Rebecca told her parent that the incidents stopped only because she stopped riding the bus and accepted rides to school from high school friends. Parents, your children must believe that they can and should share these types of events. Rebecca might have experienced less distress had she shared what happened on the bus as the events unfolded. When the bus driver looks forward to maintaining safe driving practices, many students create behavioral infractions never reported.
Please encourage your child to discuss any difficult situations in which they are uncomfortable and unsure how to take action, even if it is an isolated situation and not a recurring behavior. When a child shares a painful event, listen actively and attentively. Afford him or her the opportunity to share the whole story first and do not jump in with unsolicited advice.
Children of all ages (adults too!) need to be heard and seen without judgment. Even though the parent’s role as an advocate changes during high school, it’s crucial to consider the feelings and thoughts of adolescents when addressing their concerns. Empowering your child or adolescent to articulate his or her concerns and needs is important.
Creative Outlets and Comebacks
Role-playing what to say and how to say it in a safe, nurturing environment can facilitate empowering your child to address bullying. To defuse and redirect potential bullying situations, parents and children can practice using humorous responses and comebacks as a creative strategy. Parents and children can also look up possible retorts online or in books and practice saying them with confidence. Some possibilities I found include:
“So. if I understand correctly, you actually said (restate the bully’s words in an astonished tone so that everyone nearby can recognize their disrespectful words)?”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. Did you have anything worthwhile to say to me?”
“Can you explain why you think I need to respond to that?”
(My favorite) “I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with someone ill-equipped.”
While talking about negative experiences may be painful, expressing one’s self through creative outlets is another option. Younger children who do not possess sophisticated language may enjoy drawing pictures or using dolls or related toys to represent themselves and others. Crafting poetry or creating musical lyrics offers heartfelt channels for those seeking alternative means of expression.
Importantly, people who employ creative methods of emoting do not require artistic talent. Creating stick figures and constructing a comic strip with word and thought bubbles proves to be effective. I also like to use comic strips to teach aggressors how their words and actions can adversely affect others' thoughts. As mentioned, there are those students who bully without realizing it—thinking they are just being funny or pointing out other’s differences without regard for the uncomfortable emotions experienced by others.
Another creative strategy when facing adversity is using visualization. If an individual imagines themselves in a suit of armor that is impenetrable to the nasty remarks of others, they can walk away, knowing that attempts at harm will bounce off and fall away. They can also visualize themselves in a bubble, surrounded by the positive and loving comments of those who support them while rejecting any unwarranted taunts. Alternatively, they may use their imagination to envision their tormentor wearing an oversized diaper or emitting strong fumes of a foul odor. Here, picturing themselves surrounded by loved ones (whether living or ancestral) may provide strength and the knowledge that they matter.
Similarly, one can use breathing techniques to control worry and fear, thereby letting out negativity while breathing in kindness, self-appreciation, gratitude, and strength. Whatever brings comfort, constructing the scenario and engaging all of the senses can strengthen this practice. If a child or adolescent needs to learn strategies to manage their emotions and discover new ways to cope with personal stressors, Cogmotion Learning can help!
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