January 4, 2024
Several years ago, I took a class on the art of listening. Initially, I expected the material to be fairly basic, focusing on reflective listening and fundamental techniques, such as repeating someone's words to confirm they’ve been heard. However, I soon realized that while the lessons included these essentials, the subject had far more depth than I had anticipated.
When I discuss the art of listening, I am referring to the ability to provide someone with the space to express their feelings, thoughts, or ideas. Authentic listening involves attending to the speaker, maintaining an open mind, considering their point of view without judgment, and reflecting without offering advice, correction, or your “right” opinion.
Hearing vs. Listening
Hearing involves our ears, but listening engages both our hearts and minds. Hearing is a sense; listening is a skill. When we hear someone, we are ready to move on to the next task. It’s a passive activity that doesn’t require us to stay mentally present, make eye contact, or feel anything. Listening, on the other hand, is active and far more challenging. It demands focus, empathy, and an intentional effort to connect.
The Role of Mirroring
“Mirroring” is a communication technique that involves reflecting back a person’s words, emotions, or non-verbal responses to demonstrate understanding and build connection. Whether in conversations with a family member, friend, or colleague, mirroring plays a crucial role in showing the other person that their thoughts and feelings matter. Importantly, validation doesn’t require agreement; it only requires acknowledgment.
Mirroring can take many forms: summarizing what you’ve heard to confirm understanding, acknowledging emotions to convey empathy, or aligning with tone and body language to foster rapport. On a deeper level, neuroscience suggests that mirroring fosters social bonding by activating mirror neurons in the brain, which can strengthen emotional regulation. (For a detailed look into the science of mirroring, you can explore this Forbes article.)
The Power of Validation
Validation—acknowledging what someone needs rather than focusing on what you want to say—is often more impactful than offering advice. Everyone deserves the opportunity to feel their emotions, no matter how unpleasant. Simple statements like, “I can see you’re really upset right now,” or questions such as, “How can I help?” or “What do you need?” can be transformative.
Sometimes, I ask my children whether they want advice or simply need me to listen. We don’t always have to offer solutions; verbal acknowledgment and allowing the speaker to feel heard are often enough.
Authentic Listening
Authentic listening isn’t about our feelings; it’s about creating a safe space for someone to express themselves to someone they trust. To do this, we must set aside our egos and focus solely on the other person. Listening doesn’t require agreement with their words or feelings, but it does help us understand their perceptions, needs, and realities.
This understanding allows us to determine how best to respond—whether by offering advice, if appropriate, or gaining insight into their assumptions, worries, or priorities. Once we fully understand how they’ve reached their conclusions, we may even have opportunities to educate or inform them.
At times, providing correct information is necessary when someone is misinformed. However, there are also moments when it’s more important to connect. Even in situations with unequal power dynamics—such as between teachers and students or parents and children—listening can teach us invaluable lessons. There is wisdom in truly hearing others, even if we ultimately maintain our original beliefs. Recognizing that we each have different perspectives, capacities, and resources without judgment elevates our shared humanity.
We are enriched by making connections and allowing others the freedom to express themselves, feeling listened to rather than merely heard.
Deep Listening and Right Speech
Thich Nhat Hanh, in The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, describes a practice called “deep listening,” which he links to compassion and the ability to alleviate suffering. He emphasizes the importance of combining listening with “Right Speech,” which avoids causing unnecessary pain.
“Sometimes we speak clumsily and create internal knots in others. Then we say, ‘I was just telling the truth.’ It may be the truth, but if our way of speaking causes unnecessary suffering, it is not Right Speech. The truth must be presented in ways that others can accept. Words that damage or destroy are not Right Speech. Before you speak, understand the person you are speaking to.
Consider each word carefully before you say anything so that your speech is ‘Right’ in both form and content. The Fourth Mindfulness Training also has to do with loving speech. You have the right to tell another everything in your heart with the condition that you use only loving speech.
If you are not able to speak calmly, then don’t speak that day. ‘Sorry, my dear, allow me to tell you tomorrow or the next day. I am not at my best today. I’m afraid I’ll say things that are unkind. Allow me to tell you about this another day.’ Open your mouth and speak only when you are sure you can use calm and loving speech. You have to train yourself to be able to do so.”
A Final Note
At Cogmotion Learning, we prioritize authentic listening and meaningful dialogue. Our goal is to understand your unique needs and help you progress with confidence on your journey. Listening is more than a skill—it’s a gift that fosters trust, connection, and growth.
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